@Diasick vs @Ness
Rules
- Line Limit: 30 minimum, 60 maximum
- Verses due Friday, 11:59PM Pacific
- Votes due Sunday, 11:59PM Pacific
- No biting, recycling, swaying or free posting, keep it clean and PM responses if you must
- You must vote on the other battle with quality feedback
Topics
https://www.grindorgohome.com/forums...ifinals-Topics
Good luck to everybody!
check
sure
Cheating Death
I cheated death, and on a few occasions invited it with open arms.
Stabbed in the back so many times I found enlightenment in broken hearts.
I stole a life sentence, earned it fighting with no regard,
For my own well-being, I bled out that night then I closed the barns.
If you need to find me, start tracking from the blood spilled in the pasture.
I wrote my own storybook ending, so I guess I get killed in this chapter.
That’s a spoiler alert, or my fate is revealed in the rapture.
If I face the consequences of cheating, it’ll fill a building with laughter.
I’m still standing, no matter how hard they tried; I lied and died to survive.
I asked myself the same damn questions, why am I alive?
Thank the guardian angel that intercepted the bullet before it went inside of my eye.
You call it cheating death, I’m sure there’s a nicer guy to assign to the sky,
A gentleman that always told the truth, even I would want his company.
Death itself never trusted a fat slob that always had something up his sleeve.
At this point walking to hell with the grim reaper would be a fucking luxury.
I stole my life, unfortunately, I suddenly realized I don’t learn much from gluttony,
After all, that’s one of the seven deadly sins, it does more harm than I noticed.
There’s got to be better odds for me, maybe we can bring those margins to focus.
There are people that find “laughter” in my pain, it’ll take someone heartless to quote this.
I got mileage on me, all these years I spent wandering the farthest from hopeless.
Made it out of the furnace, escaped the burn pit, then stepped on a smoke grenade.
That night I had an out-of-body experience, saw my own corpse being towed away.
I played my cards right, showing my hand immediately is how I negotiate.
I can’t keep cheating death, there’s only “one man” that knows my poker face,
I can handle Lucifer, I’ll bring my own demons to make it a closer fight.
My life was a gamble, he’s here to collect a debt, I can pay it off practically overnight
Cheating death? Or am I just the reminiscences of a poltergeist,
I’m here because I bent some rules, you act offended like you never told a lie.
Against the odds I risked it all, these days I’m rolling less dice.
I had a solution for the burning, they said it was cheating to avoid direct light.
I say it’s smart to know your limitations, so I never keep my head high.
If you think stealing earns you an extra life, you can join me on the next heist.
We can mold the future, as far as immortality? we can provide it in schemes.
We can lead them to gold if we work together; never collide with the teams.
We can show them more reality, because their truth is hiding in dreams.
If we have to lie, cheat and steal to survive, that's what you’ll find in this scene.
I’m used to lifting up caskets, sometimes I feel like a fucking fool when I hurt.
Cheating death is the coward's way in, but I have to admit it’s cool when it works.
If truth shortens your life, I’ll keep lying, I guess honesty is a tool that is cursed.
If cheating death worked at the cemetery, I know who I’ll pull from the dirt.
Last edited by Diasick; 09-22-2021 at 10:21 AM.
Why...
“Why aren't you here?”
That thought raced through my head all the time as a child
I’d see other kids playing with their dads, always shining a smile
Maybe this is just a test, I'd say, he’ll come back if I can survive in this trial
If he just came back I could forgive him, we could try and reconcile
…. but he never did
so any hopes of seeing him, gone. I’d taken all our remaining ties and severed it
I tried to find humor in the situation so of the sadness I’d be forever rid
you know the jokes, “he went out for some milk” there was a 2% chance he’d ever get
“Why aren’t you here?”
As the years went on, we’d often struggle to get by
With no breadwinner in the house, we’d count coins to survive
Anything we did save, mom’d go spend on coke as she’d blow the rent dry
we only kept our home cause she helped the landlord control his sex drive
new “uncles” came in and out of my life, every week she was onto the next guy
All alone, I had to mature early. This lifestyle gave my innocence a deadline
I studied hard so I could move out early and provide myself the best life
“Why aren’t you here?”
That's the last voicemail she left before her passing
I’d finally moved out, and started a life just as hers came down crashing
As I glance around the funeral home that her friends and family had all packed in
I reflect on life. Mine, hers, ours, and everyone's laughing
This is my closure. Finally free of that life I’ve surpassed it
as I was saying my goodbyes, that's when it happened...
I notice a familiar stranger heading towards the casket.
I watch a ghost of my past come back to life, as he’s approaching me tensely
and for the first time ever, I’m standing with both folks that had left me
What a fucking lineage I had, a hoe and a deadbeat
Our eyes met and I was convinced my life was a joke to something heavenly
Turns out my whole life I’d asked the wrong questions, it really was meant to be
as those words left my lips, I realized, it didn't matter what he said to me
“Why are you here… Dad?”
Diasick, this was pretty cool. For the sake of saying something could be worked on, I'd just say the repetition of using "cheating death" in your piece was a bit unnecessary or excessive but that's all I can come up with honestly. Not a lot of strong imagery through out the entire piece, there were a few solid spots like talking about the pastor and shit but it seemed more of a "here's my story, here's how I feel" piece than an in depth narration. Which isn't bad, just conceptually not really my cup o' tea. Technically though, minus that first complaint, this was really smoothly written. Probably one of the smoothest so far from you. Think Jelly Roll's style is rubbing off on you (and please don't ruin that compliment by saying you prefer Upchurch or some shit like that). Overall a good, technically sound piece. Props.
Ness, first verse started a bit rocky but after you found your rhythm this piece really hit. I could relate to most of it honestly. Luckily, I was adopted by my grandparents at a very young age but my younger siblings had to deal with our biological mother going from guy to guy, doing drugs, drinking excessively, and overall not giving a shit about them. My biological father left before I was born, my little brother's left before he was born, and my little sister's abused them and pimped her out for years. So a lot of this really hit me personally. Technically, this was a solid read. Not entirely sure it was as smooth as Diasick's writing wise but this is a real heavy battle of technique vs storytelling and it's gonna come down to the preference of the voters honestly. Good shit man.
Creativity-- Ness. I was back and forth between giving this to him and making this a tie. Both writers did their thing, but I feel like there was more originality to Ness' while Diasick's sounded like half of the discography of Jelly Roll and Struggle Jennings.
Entertainment-- Tie, one was really good technically and the other was really good conceptually.
Flow-- Diasick, more consistent I felt.
Rhyme Scheme-- Diasick, again, more consistent.
Consistency/Topic-- Tie, both kept to the topic nicely.
Emotion-- Ness, by far. I told Diasick in my feedback that I didn't feel a lot of imagery from him but I also didn't feel a lot of emotion either. Just didn't feel like that kinda piece.
Imagery-- Ness, loads of descriptive writing in there.
Overall, this was a really good battle. I liked both pieces a lot. One, I felt, was technically better as a rap. The other, I felt, was conceptually better as a story. One was fun to read, the other made me imagine the story and feel for the character in ways I can relate. In the end, I feel like this is gonna depend on the voter a lot but me personally, I'll take a story that makes me feel ways over a well written rap almost every time as I'm a storyteller and not a rapper personally. Look forward to seeing what the conclusion of this battle is, as I feel it can go either way in the end.
Vote Ness.
creativity-- diasick - i think he came out better as a whole it was just nicer.. but still pretty close
Entertainment-- diasick - just had that much more umph but this was a close one to
Flow-- diasick - only just it was a fierce fight but just tighter
Rhyme Scheme-- diasick - prolly by about one or two syllables
Consistency/Topic-- diasick - pretty close competition aswell
Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- ness - really brought it in this category..
Emotion-- ness - really cool felt this piece your really brought the character out
Imagery-- diasick - really great line for line
vote = diasick
good battle dudes thanks for the read
Need more detail.
- KS
Last edited by King Soule'; 09-25-2021 at 06:14 PM.
Diasick - You posted a safe verse this week. The lines were long and consistent, so it had "flow" although trying to get that into an actual flowable rhythm was very hard. I'd say cut about 4-6 syllables out of each line to be honest, that way it can match up with something flowable. I was forced to read this as more of a spoken word type of piece, however it had the "rap" feel to it. Your overuse of "Cheating death" was annoying, and I felt myself paying attention to that nuance more than the story when it popped back up. Imagery wasn't as strong as it could have been. I sometimes like to read a piece and be able to draw a picture of what I'm reading. I couldn't do that with yours. It was a good verse though, don't get me wrong with what I'm saying. I think you stayed on your topic, but again you played it safe. I also felt like your word choice in the "Farthest from hopeless" section was a little off, but I get you did that for the multi at the end. I wouldn't have done that because it takes away from your narration.
Ness - The beginning stanza was tough to read. The flow was not that good. Emotion was there and it was written as if you experienced it. Your word choice in "Forever rid" line was not good, but again - it was done for the rhymescheme. I did like the metaphor with milk, though. Simple but clever. Stanza #2 was better. Flow was a little more polished and the imagery was even stronger. Lots of emotion here as well, and I liked the way you used "she controlled his sex drive" instead of keeping it simple, "fucking the landlord." Your closing stanza was powerful. Great emotion and imagery in this section for sure. The funeral, the people, and the showing up of the long lost father. Flow was alright. Better than the first stanza by far, would've liked to see this type of consistency throughout.
This was a pretty even battle which can probably go either way. I will say that when I read a piece, I'm looking for storyline, imagery, emotion, flow and content. Storyline belongs to Ness. It was original and powerful. Imagery and emotion also belong to Ness for reasons I stated above. Flow was not that strong for either piece, however I'd give that to Diasick because he was consistent with his line length and syllable count throughout the entire piece, not just in sections. Content is tough, you both changed some wording to make things rhyme which take away from the actual story.
Vote - Ness
You’ll never see the pain I hide behind a flipped frown
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