Last edited by King Soule'; 10-04-2021 at 03:19 PM.
Assigned topic huh..
Good luck
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You’ll never see the pain I hide behind a flipped frown
Well that’s a plot twist i didn’t see coming
Check
This is a tale of a boy named Richard McManis
An 18 year old recluse who lives with his parents
He hides in his bedroom because he's sick of the damage
Caused by the people who brought him into this planet
His father's a addict, Rich was always jilted for aspirin
And his mother calls him a mistake, a little distraction
But one day he brought himself into the bathroom
And filled his hands up, and swallowed all the pills in the cabinet
He left the bathroom and began to head to the attic
And as soon as he got to the top of the steps he collapsed
He crawled to his bed and dialed 2-1-1 on his cell
And told them he took a lot of pills, he was calling for help
The medics showed up to save him, his parents cried and they wept
If Richie didn't make that call, he would've died on his bed..
Now let's talk about a little girl named Stacy Smith
Who had no one to talk to or friends to be playing with
She took to art at a young age, alone in her room she paints a pic
Except her brush is a razor, she's about to paint her wrist
Say goodbye to the sadness, say goodbye to the strife
Say goodbye to both her parents, say goodbye to her life
She needs a new razor blade to ride to the light
But if this dull razor doesn't work, she'll just try with a knife
Something comes over Stacy, she stops dead in her tracks
As if she bought her right die but now she's sending it back
She grabs her phone and dials 2-1-1, and pulls away from her wrist
A clinician answers the phone, "Cr!sis line how may I assist?"
Stacy asked for help to get out of the gloom
'cause if she didn't, she would've bled out in her room..
These are just two examples of lives that were saved
Courage is in everyone, just have to try to be brave
And if you're feeling life is hopeless, here's what I insist
Dig deep into your own soul because a Super Hero exists
damn..
If you are having thoughts of suicide, do not hesitate to call:
1-800-273-8255
You’ll never see the pain I hide behind a flipped frown
High & Mighty
*Fade in*
Trees set ablaze, a scent scorning nostrils of those who passed it
Lovingly I embraced it, with each breath getting deeper until I’m eventually panting
As I rose higher than ever before, a ferocious foe budded from the ashes
harboring a sinister hunger that was unleashed by the gasses
With a new found mindset, I set forth to challenge whomever I cross paths with
I set forth on my journey, with this insatiable hunger untreated
every turn and corner had in store another challenger I’d leave defeated
Many opponents had appeared, though, despite valiant effort none had succeeded
I was the hunter playing with its food, on each of my prey I had feasted
Even still, this just wasn't enough, each time I was left unsatisfied and depleted
That was until I first learned of… him
In one of my encounters, I heard of a new opponent who’d take the fight
A hero who’d never lost, and is ready to dish it out whenever, day or night
A challenger armed for battle with just a serrated knife
Who could predict the passion such an encounter may ignite
Without haste I set off in search of my new foe, with visions of his blade in sight
I traveled throughout the night until finally I could tell I’d arrived
his base was fit for a hero such as he, it had been well designed
I climbed the stairs and entered as the bell had chimed
instantly I saw him behind a bar, almost like in a cell confined
He stood tall and spoke in a tone that was warm & well defined
“What do you want”
I told him of my travels, victims of my warpath and the places I’d plunder
I confided that I was brought here to defeat him by an incurable hunger
even still he displayed a confidence even those tales couldn’t sunder
Unwavering in his stance, he smiled back at the tale remaining calm & cumber
And it was in this moment I began I had become the prey, no longer the hunter
that I’d bit off more than I could chew with this battle, I’d never recover
“Is that all?”
He said as he dawned his white apron armor and wielded his blade
he went to work, leaving me shocked by the skills with his knife he displayed
precise with through layers of flesh and meat he sliced and filleted
masterful knifeman ship as he practiced this form of fight for decades
a beautiful attack, leaving me both awestruck by the sight and dismayed
With one final slice down the middle, he proclaimed “Its finished”
All that big talk and I was left eating my words
Handed a silver platter to feast on the defeat I was served
Full of sorrow, my hunger this hero had eagerly curbed
Now subdued and reserved, I could see my loss was exceedingly deserved
“Now that you got what you came for, are you satisfied?”
It seems my true intentions had been secretly heard
“That was the best sandwich I ever had, thank you”
Now its back to the crib for blunt and another dab
*Fade out*
res:
man that was fire, the character back and forth really were incorporated nicely with each sentence carrying into the next and playing from each other.. it was a very interesting suicide story, i really dug your outro to.. structure was original but its almost invisible due to characters connection in several aspects which truly is amazing.. this piece is my fav this tourney on an up in the air shot of willing to change mind.. good luck..
Ness:
man even the same intro, your entertwining lines are what make this.. all a unique style of rhythm and structure carrying the word choice fluintly.. story was boss.. it had lull moments but the patterns you wrote with held it all together.. the depth in the story was tight, and your character was well flushed.. all in all dope piece..
vote = Ness
i went with ness even though i prefer resilient verse because, character depth was maintained aswell being contained stronger so you get a more vivid picture of the who/who's in mention.. easily the battle of the tournament.
Both verses were good, I didn’t like eithers rhyme scheme but I preferred Resilients over Ness.
It came down to substance for me, Res wrote about real shit that we see each day, especially in this pandemic.
Ness was more fictional and though it was cool, it was kind of goofy at the end.
Nice work to both of y’all
vote - Resilient
I tried to teach nigguhs how to be kings
And all they ever wanted to be was soldiers.
Instagram: doctor_wp
Res,
First and foremost, I appreciate the message of your work here. Mental Health is something that our country (US) has always struggled with and I think a lot of violent crime would decrease if there was more access to mental health clinics, education, and physicians. Anywho…
I am not familiar with everyone’s work on the site yet, so I went back and skimmed through the earlier battles in this tournament and one thing really jumped out at me. This verse does not seem to have the polish and flare that some of your earlier work did. Seems as maybe you were disinterested, or rushed for time with this one. You gave us two examples of a young boy and girl who was going to end their own life but I would have liked to read more about what the catalyst was for them getting to that point. The emotional aspect that it could have had was less impactful because there was not enough developing with the characters to anchor the result of their inner turmoil and angst. Therefore, the verse in its entirety felt more like you was sprinting from point A to point B as fast as you could while leaving behind those integral strokes of emotion and imagery. It wasn’t a bad verse, but I think you just let your foot up off the gas with this one.
Ness,
Interesting take here on the subject lol. The one thing your verse certainly excelled in was vocabulary and imagery. The tone felt dark and war ready and you lead us on this journey of conquest then just at the end you put it on its head with a light and comical punchline of a man who just simply out to defeat his hunger. And his Hero. . saved him with. . a Hero. I felt like Harold and Kumar by the conclusion lol. One thing I will say is that the use of better internal rhymes and multis would pull the verse together a bit more and give each line more fluidity. One voter described your verse as ‘goofy’. And that might be an accurate statement. I see it as more playful…. But what cannot be denied is that your verse gave us a story, gave us imagery to drive that story, gave us a protagonist, and by the end the catalyst that drove his ‘hunger’. It felt more developed and complete.
I think Res was on to something with the concept. It just lacked the emotional weight it needed. A piece like that should really hit you in the chest, but it fell short of doing that. If you maybe just focused on one of the characters and gave us examples of his inner struggle it would have been more effective. When your writing about depression …. You need the reader to sink down as low as the character is.
One could argue that Ness’s verse was a bit silly… bit silly is ok when the execution is there. I think he could have packed the lines a little better, but every other element was there.
Vote- Ness
I was really impressed by these, especially considering you both were thrown by the assigned topic.
Ness, what a great build up to an unexpected, funny ending. I always wonder what inspires you guys to take the routes you take. Like who reads this topic and decides to end it with a sandwich. I found my mind wandering a time or two but that's probably because I was tired. You have a gift imo.
Resi, break my heart and then make me smile real tears not once but twice. Way too many of our kids are dying and so few know about it or that it's completely preventable. I didn't struggle with your character development as mentioned above but I suspect we're in the minority that has seen enough, the details filled themselves in.
Congrats to you both for making it this far. I wish there had been a bigger turn out for you.
Vote-Resi
I’ve been silently watching the tournament, and while I didn’t have any sense of motivation to join to write, I’d hate to see a finals vote end in a tie or be dragged out for weeks or even months.
Res : I enjoyed the straight forward stories. The flow and wording was clean and concise. The flow actually reminded me of Eminem on The Kids in that storytelling type of way - clearly this was more serious. I really like the take on the topic - showcasing the ‘everyday’ super hero. The ones saving lives all of the time and no one ever really talks about it. The only constructive feedback I have is that the emotion felt kind of flat, I didn’t feel invested in their stories and I know, you are limited within the line count but I feel like more empathy driven imagery could have worked better here.
Ness : What a clever spin on the topic, because not only is the Chef a ‘hero’ in the sense of saving the MC from their munchies, but the term Hero could be interpreted as the sandwich itself (also saving the MC from the munchies). The little breadcrumbs you left (pun intended) were really nice - (trees set ablaze/those who passed it etc) From the title to the “Fade Out” part you sprinkled those little clues and references that one might pass over reading the first time until they get to the end and was like oh, ohh I see. The imagery and wording were super on point as were your other literary devices, my one piece of advice is that some lines seemed a bit drawn out vs others, and I’m not even the “the lines need to be perfectly even” type of person, but some were a bit too long. Sidenote : The ending somewhat reminded me of Harley Quinn in Birds of Prey when she’s watching Sal make the Bacon/Egg & Cheese sandwich all awestruck.
For me it came down to being a Technically sound piece that I didn’t connect emotionally with vs a wordy piece filled with imagery, plus I enjoyed following the breadcrumbs on. The emotion/imagery did it for me - Ness’s piece is proof that it doesn’t always have to be a sad or gut-wrenching story to elicit emotion, when the imagery is in sync with the storytelling.
v/ Ness
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