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  1. #1
    Johnny Darko Soule's Avatar
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    Mad Men Semifinals: Resilient Advances



    @Resilient vs King Soule'

    Rules

    - Line Limit: 30 minimum, 60 maximum
    - Verses due Friday, 11:59PM Pacific
    - Votes due Sunday, 11:59PM Pacific
    - No biting, recycling, swaying or free posting, keep it clean and PM responses if you must
    - You must vote on the other battle with quality feedback

    Topics

    https://www.grindorgohome.com/forums...ifinals-Topics

    Good luck to everybody!

  2. #2
    Johnny Darko Soule's Avatar
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    Check. I'll drop sometime Monday or Tuesday. Best of luck, Officer.

  3. #3
    Administrators Resilient's Avatar
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    Sounds good man.

    Voting Links:
    https://www.grindorgohome.com/forums...)&goto=newpost


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    You’ll never see the pain I hide behind a flipped frown

  4. #4
    Johnny Darko Soule's Avatar
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    "911, what's your emergency?"

    HELP! PLEASE! Somebody broke in and I'm struggling to breathe!
    I think they have a gun but I can't see, I'm in the closet with nothing to swing!

    "Okay ma'am, are you currently at 1584 N Breeze?

    YES! PLEASE! I don't know how much longer until they find me!
    I'm trying to keep quiet but when I breathe I let out a high wheeze!

    "Okay ma'am, calm down, how many do you think you saw?
    We have two units on the way but need to know the risk involved."


    Umm, two? Possibly three? It was hard to tell by the silhouettes,
    please try to hurry, I'm honestly weak, barely able to catch my breath.
    I have asthma really bad, and panic attacks when I'm over stressed,
    I suffer from an abusive past and can't fathom what happens next!

    "Don't worry ma'am, they are seconds away, just breathe slow,
    if you hear gunshots, don't be afraid, just keep low.
    Wait until an officer finds you, don't risk getting hurt,
    it'll all be over soon, but keep your safety first.


    I understand, I'm just scared, what if they rape me?
    What if one of them forces me down and another tapes me?
    What if they take turns and one of them impregnates me?
    What if they kill me before the police get here to save me?

    "Ma'am, the possibilities are endless, but rest assured,
    our units just arrived, your life is in the hands of the best on Earth...


    *A series of gunshots echo through the house*

    SHIT! SHIT! OH MY GOD! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!

    *An uncomfortable silence settles within the smoke*

    "Ma'am, are you still on the phone?"

    Yes, but I don't hear anyone in my home,
    I'm not sure who's alive or if I'm here alone.
    You told me to wait, but I need to know,
    I'm getting cold, I'm gonna peek slow...

    "MA'AM! If the officers are still there they'll announce..."

    *Before dispatch can finish, the connection cuts out*

    Ring...ring ring...ring...ring ring...

    You've reached Amanda King, leave your name and number and I'll get back to you after the beep.

    Ring...ring ring...

    This is Officer Grant.

    "Hey, Matt, it's Stacy... I need you to swing by 1584 N Breeze.
    We sent two units and there was a big gunfight, now the victim isn't answering.
    I'm worried we've got officers down, can you and Anthony go see?
    Be careful, please."


    Fuck, alright... we're about three minutes out, I'll let you know, peace...

    *The officers arrive at the scene, multiple dead in the street*

    Dispatch, this is Officer Grant, we've got a 10-999, possibly more down inside,
    we're going to check it out, hopefully your victim is still alive...

    "Dammit, I TOLD her to standby!"

    Entering the front door... one officer and two suspects down in the living room,
    all clear in the hallway... Officer Hernandez cleared the kitchen too.
    There's bullets in the bedroom door... THIS IS OFFICER GRANT! I'M COMING IN!
    Fuck! Stacy I found your vic... there's no pulse on her neck or wrist...

    "Jesus... why couldn't she have stayed in the closet, GOD DAMMIT!"

    Well, it's Halloween... whoever these guys were, they took it for granted...
    came to this house and did some damage, this wasn't just mischievous antics.
    They brought AKs and shotguns, doesn't seem like a regular invasion...
    I'm not sure who she was but they left the body faceless...

    "Matthew... sometimes... this job makes me want to leave this planet..."

    Quote Originally Posted by C.R. Bittar
    I was never the one who believed in monsters. Until I was proven, by humans, that they exist.
    Last edited by King Soule'; 09-22-2021 at 05:25 PM. Reason: edited before Res dropped

  5. #5
    Administrators Resilient's Avatar
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    Goodbye, My Love . . .


    ...We were never gonna work and baby, it tore my heart
    But I'll always love you, even though we are worlds apart

    .
    . .
    . . .
    . . . .
    . . .
    . .
    .

    The last two lines of the goodbye note she left on the bed
    On top of the pillow she lay upon next to my head
    It's been a week since I moved from here, bereft and upset
    Almost as if the love of my life had left me for dead
    But things are better unsaid, I know how true it could be
    And you leaving doesn't do anything for you or for me
    My emotions are like the ocean, and I'm watching them billow
    As I lay here devastated with my head stuffed in my pillow

    I look to the wall on the left, memories of you and me
    It was an art night - you drew a dog, I drew a beach
    Mine was a paint splotch, but I didn't care who could see
    'cause in my imagination it was us that ruled the sea
    Yours was so perfect, the detail and the color scheme
    So loud in expression, yours was definitely the one to see
    A projection of your beauty, riveting and bold
    Painted on a canvas in a pastel image of your soul

    I look to the right this time, encased in frames
    Are pictures of you and me at the baseball game
    Where I got a black eye; look I'm not placing blame
    But .. he did hit ME when you threw your Gatorade his way
    And there are other photos that fill this collage, you know...
    When you hit for a grand playing slots at the Bellagio
    Our room is filled with memories, photo's pepper the walls
    I hold back the tears reading your letter once more

    My love,
    I hope what I'm about to say makes sense
    I've been nothing but happy since the day we met
    You're my love I was searching for, I got it at last
    But I soon learned that we were leading opposite paths
    I promised myself I wouldn't make you wait in the shadows
    Until I figured out what I wanted in life, a waste of a battle
    We were never gonna work and baby, it tore my heart
    But I'll always love you, even though we are worlds apart...





    You were my life, my soulmate, my reason for being
    So I'll go to sleep now, see you in dreams..

    You’ll never see the pain I hide behind a flipped frown

  6. #6
    Give me the power! Diasick's Avatar
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    Soule
    At times I felt like your where spinning an untangable web and couldn't stay on topic, I would of like to see you stay on the topic of the home invasion but at times I don't know if the character in your story was on the phone with dispatch or her therapist, also you really need to work on how you word things, like maybe ask your self is there another way I can say this? like towards "there was a big gunfight" the whole time I'm thinking bitches like this is why there is a long response time for the ambulence to come LOL, she really went on a tangent like that while there was someone in there about to pipe her? I think a real person would be limiting their conversation and she just rails into her lifestory, she is bound to be found in that closet anyway, I like some parts you had your moments, the tangents run away from you, she was all scared and panicy but at the whim deides to get out the closet to go check, doenst sound like what a person with anxiety would do, they would probably freeze in that moment and not even be able to talk to dispatch like that, I never been home invaded but the person on dispatch killed her having her stay on the phone that long, I don't have any issues other than storytelling going off the rails, I mean you could have did a better job with your rhyme schemes, there was a section you rhymed me 4 times in a roll, I think your better than that and the overall scheme there was a basic two syllable scheme and the rest wasn't too far beyond that, I think your better than that and are capable of more.

    Resillient
    What I was telling soule about wording things don't seem to be a problem in your verse, I would have liked to see soule on par with the vocab in this verse, "pastel image of your soule" was a cool way to say that, I think the way soule wrote he would have said a "beutiful image of your soule" it's how you word things, nothing wrong with breaking out a thesaurus, I liked how in the last section you didn't rely on a rhyme schemes, sounds completely oppositite of what I told soule if you going to rely on rhyming then I would like to see more than one/two syllable rhyme patterns especially from people that been doing this while, that section I mean it had a good scheme but it didn't carry that section and would have been cool without the scheme.

    I don't think the result is too hard to tell, Res won with his wording alone, there is many ways you can word things, soule needs to think about every line for different ways to word them, instead of saying "there was a big gunfight" that doesn't really show enough emotion, it's like saying "yea, whatever.. there was a gunfight" there was different ways that could have been worded to show more emotion, can you imagine if there was a story on the news and all it said was "there was a big gunfight" nothing wrong with using a thesaurus or dictionary at all, I want you to work on your wording mostly that would have made your drop better.

    v/res

  7. #7
    Banned Cereal_Killer's Avatar
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    creativity-- resilient - very pretty and very cute thanks it put a smile of my face
    Entertainment-- resilient - it was hard hitting even though it was soft - so yeh equally balanced of creativity in this piece
    Flow-- king soule' - it was very close but yeh he took it in the end just better writen and tighter
    Rhyme Scheme-- resilient - its weird because usually flow and structure go hand and hand but you guys managed to split it
    Consistency/Topic-- resilient - was very fluent and stuck on topic very well
    Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- king soule' - high grade verse indeed
    Emotion-- resilient - it was very if i could call i something it would be fluffy
    Imagery-- king soule' - it was close but king just took it with it was very deep and dark of the story


    vote = resilient

    very close guys good luck


    You really need to learn how to vote my dude, need a lot more detail than this.

    - KS
    Last edited by King Soule'; 09-25-2021 at 05:13 PM.

  8. #8
    Clever Ness's Avatar
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    bear with me guys, forgot and now i gotta type this all on my phone, J’rn so it might not be as in-depth as i’d like it to be. Feel free to dm for me to expand on it

    Soule: I really like the overall theme of this one a lot. as you said you’re a story teller, and you never disappoint in that respect. i’ll also say this, this is one of the better pieces i’ve seen you wrote in terms of pure enjoyment/entertainment of reading for myself personally. a few points that held it back for me were the disconnect in the flow and rhyme scheme between the back and forth with the bolded dispatch in certain spots,
    it felt unnatural which i’m guilty of all the time. also, the what if/rape stanza, you shoulda got rid of it. it held this piece back cause it felt clunky in both word and follow. and didn’t have enough of a positive going on to carry it. that said this was a good topical and i def enjoyed reading it with the plot development at the end

    Res: First and foremost anyone who knows me knows i’m a sucker for love story’s or emotion driven at all. this was no exception, it’s great. the split poem always a good touch and you did a good job of telling the story. before i scrolled to it, that photos the last thing i expected to see at the end but i’m glad you did use that one. other than a few awkward wordings here or there i really have nothing to say good or bad about this. good job

    So for me this boils down to my favorite since this such a close battle. soule had much better story telling and mechanics but the emotion and imagery won it back for res. mechanically speaking Soule wrote a good solid piece and red went straight in for the viewer reading and pulled that in

    i have to vote on who i liked more and for me that goes to Res.


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